“At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. ” ~ From the Gospel of Matthew 18:1-5
I am not pure… i am a sinner like everyone else, like the Romans I have nailed Christ over & over again with my sins.
I am not obedient… because God knows best but I still insist on going my own way. I turn my back on him time and again.
I am not dependent… i relied too much on myself, my intelligence, my talent, my skills, my feelings often I forget that my power has its limits and that there is a greater source coming from God.
I am not trusting… my past experiences that has wounded and scarred me taught me to doubt on a lot of things and even people… and unanswered prayer made me doubt God’s mercy.
I always forget to be thankful everyday because each sunrise brings hope and blessings. I was too pre-occupied with responsibilities that really doesn’t point me to any direction.
My heart went heavy I did not want to speak and share my reflection because it was too overwhelming. The room was silent for awhile and the longer it took for anyone to speak the more that I was in agony. The more I felt my pain, tears are welling in my eyes but i wanted to be brave. However, something was also pushing me to let myself go and cry. I resisted, i wanna play tough. The silence broke, when our leader said…”let’s hear it first from Judy.” I shut my eyes tight and heaved a heavy sigh. It was so hard for me to show to them my weakest state because as their supervisor I have to be strong at all times and I want to inspire not to be pitied at. Before I can even start talking my voice was cracking and my tears flowed out like a fountain. I heeded that I will be the last to talk because I am too angry and in pain.
As I listened to my colleagues share, the common things was, like me they have their pains and struggles and some even reached the point of questioning God and despising him but at the end of it all they end up Praying to Him. And he answered. I should say “good for you guys! i seemed to be out of his list,” but that would be the pessimist in me.
When it was my turn to talk I still cried but not the one that was out of anger but the one that seeks out the Lord. I was almost running out of batteries, my oil needs changing and there was a need to feel that I was still needed and useful. I didn’t know where to go and whom to go I did not feel God everywhere I felt abandoned and I was left with just my own strength. And it was worst than being imprisoned it was more like being killed slowly you wanted it fast-forward and end. To me it did not feel like a test or trial it felt more like a punishment. WHAT DID I DO?
My leader then said, “do you know the “FOOTPRINTS”?” I said yes, and she told me that just like the story when the man felt he was alone and saw only one set of footprints God is also carrying me and shares my troubles. I just need to believe and have faith. I thank my leader, for the Holy Spirit spoke through her. I thank God for such immeasurable & unconditional love.
I realized Faith is not something that you just talk about but that Faith is a something that you have to grow and live each day with in you. By the time that it will grow strong enough inside you, then its foundation will never cease or die. Simple acts of Faith that happens every day should be shared, not only will you help others but it will keep you strong as well.
Imagine a little child or a little baby who grips the hand of an adult that is a picture of great Faith because the child entrusted her life in the hands of that adult. Everything is going to be alright. God is holding my hand or better yet God is carrying me in His shoulders.